'The Orb's Adventures Beyond The Ultraworld' - The Orb (1991)

“What were the skies like when you were young?”

“Are next door mowing their lawn?”
“No, Grandad - that sound’s on the record.”
“Oh. Who is it?”
“The Orb.”

“What’s that dripping noise? Has nan left a tap on?”
“It’s on the record, Grandad.”

“Is that a plane? Or is this still The Orb?”
“No, that’s a plane. But the spaceship you’re about to hear taking off is The Orb.”

My grandparents and I loved those early Orb albums - my Grandad quickly acclimatised to the layers of samples woven in to each track. They were the soundtrack to our Sunday lunch. And our afternoon Scrabble games in my post-college unemployed years. Perhaps not the audience or the environment Dr Alex Paterson had in mind for his visionary ambient experimentations. 

They are also great albums to put on while writing. Which I remembered today while tapping away at the day job. And for an hour I was transported. Off to the Ultraworld. Via my grandparents’ dining-room table.  

Further reading: 'U.F. Orb (1992)'

'Car Wash Hair' - Mercury Rev (1991)

‘Kill Uncle’ – Morrissey (1991)

"I tried to surprise you,

I crept up behind you,

With a homeless chihuahua.

You cooed for an hour,

You handed him back and you said,

"You’ll never guess:

I’m bored now.""

If you received a free sample of Deep Heat cream rub through the post in Spring 1991, then the chances are I sent it to you. No, it wasn’t just some weird thing I used to do for fun. And it wasn’t exactly something I did by choice either. I was actually on work experience for a small design agency in Kensington.  

The idea was that my cousin Matt and I would get some hands-on experience to aid our college advertising course. We imagined highly intoxicating (and dangerously intoxicated) brainstorms for exotic campaign shoots starring Michelle Pfeiffer. We got a week in a cramped loft conversion stuffing thousands of packs of Deep Heat in to Jiffy bags and then hauling them off down the Post Office. So, yes, it was definitely hands-on. And it was certainly an experience.

With our hopes so cruelly dashed on that very first morning, we had one thing to look forward to at lunch-time: a new Morrissey album would be sitting on the shelves of Our Price. Yes, we’d been looking for a job and now we’d found a job, and Heaven knew we were miserable now. Moz would surely balm our tortured souls more gently than any Deep Heat. Well, if you’ve ever listened to 'Kill Uncle', you know what’s coming next. It was a travesty. It still pains me to write that even now. Because I had adored everything Morrissey had sung, written or said up until that lunchtime. But that’s the kindest word I can find for ‘Kill Uncle’.

Don’t worry though, as there’s an uplifting message of hope coming straight up. Matt and I perservered through to the second week of our work experience and had a great time doodling logos. Morrissey went on to release the landmark ‘Your Arsenal’ as his next album. And many good folk up and down the country found their muscular aches warmly soothed by a free tub of Deep Heat that they’d forgotten they’d requested six months earlier.

Spotify linky :

Morrissey – King Leer

On this day …1991 (aged 20)

Scribblings from my diary …

“I always forget a face. Because I always feel uncomfortable looking at people. I remember more useless things. The way people eat. Things that can be brought into conversation. But faces escape me.”

On this day …1991 (aged 20)

Scribblings from my diary …

“I’ve started chewing the side of my mouth. And picking at my fingers. And stumbling in to things. Which are sure signs that I’ve got a lot of work on. And I have. And there’s figures, so it’s not exactly very enjoyable. And everyone is in the library. And so am I. (Except when I’m out shopping for the new Curve and Cranes EPs.)”

‘U-Mass’ – Pixies (1991)

“And stupid stuff,
it makes us shout”

ABBA at one in the morning. No-one should have to suffer that. (And if you disagree, you may well be reading the wrong blog.) And this wasn’t a one-off. This was a neighbour in the flat downstairs who seemed to be taking the philosophy of ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)’ far too literally.

You could bang on the floor and you’d get a torrent of abuse back. You could write a polite note and it would have no effect. So I tried another approach. When I got up for work at 6.30am, I’d move my old paint-splattered ghetto blaster (I’m guessing they’re not called that these days) into my bedroom, face the speakers towards the floor, and crank out ‘U-Mass’ by Pixies. Childish? Yes. Immensely satisfying? Absolutely.

This song seems perfectly engineered to wake your neighbours. It starts with a raw guitar riff and only gets louder – with the drums then pounding in, closely followed by the bass. And as it’s picking up speed to the first chorus, Black Francis drops in a wonderfully unnecessary sweary bit for added pleasure. Now, I don’t condone this kind of language. But, hey; stick your ‘Dancing Queen’.

After lots of typical Pixies yelping (“It’s EDUCATIONAAAAAL!!”), the song pulls a glorious false ending, before crashing back in on a final burst of full-on distorted guitar mayhem. Three minutes of perfection. And after that, you could hear my neighbours were up and moving about – job done. But not quite yet. As the final trick was always to let them settle down again and think the storm has passed, before coming back with an encore (something like the 17-minute version of ‘Sister Ray’ by the Velvet Underground). Reading this back it seems rather cruel. But remember this: ‘Mamma Mia’. 1am. Day after day. Yes? Exactly.

So, are they still around? Nah. Their landlord booted them out after two weeks and we all slept happily ever after.

Spotify linky:

Pixies – U-mass

Bonus linky (in case you need to annoy your neighbours too):

The Velvet Underground – Sister Ray

On this day … 1991 (aged 20)

Scribblings from my diary …

“I water the garden. It’s all dead anyway.”

On this day ... 1991 (aged 20)

Scribblings from my diary …

“Spend the morning compiling a holiday tape for Lara. Full of obscure records to annoy her.”

On this day ... 1991 (aged 20)

Scribblings from my diary …

“Help Lara with an English essay on dreams. I make up a simply stupid story about a pillow that fills your head with dreams, but it obviously goes wrong and the person using it never wakes up.”

On this day ... 1991 (aged 20)

Scribblings from my diary …

“I can usually tell that I’m having a good day as I start walking into things. This evening I walked into a wall!”

'You And Your Sister' - This Mortal Coil (1991)

“You say my love for you’s not real,
But you don’t know how real it feels”

So, you’re Head of the College for the Distributive Trades – part of The London Institute (that name used to take up half my CV). The building is five floors, but each is too small for an exam hall (it’s now the home of Capital Radio in Leicester Square). So where are your pupils going to sit their HNDs? Oh, here’s an idea: the crypt at St Martin’s Church. (!??!)

Yes, you can imagine the welcoming atmosphere (after you’d carefully weaved your way past the ‘colourful’ characters queuing for the soup kitchen in the building opposite). We sat in huge, dank stone vaults and strained to see our exam papers in the half-light (while outside the world was basking in the May sun). I’ve never seen so many students finish their papers early just so they could escape the place. The examiners must have seriously wondered why all our essays on retail distribution channels were tinged with such melancholy and maudlin thoughts.

This Mortal Coil were a treasured discovery of the time. Circling the nucleus of 4AD-boss Ivo-Watts Russell were collaborations from some of my favourite artists on the label, including the sublime pairing of Kim Deal and Tanya Donnelly on this track. (My grandad always likes it when I play this one.) The three This Mortal Coil albums also uncovered many new musical paths for me through their wonderful covers, including Chris Bell, Tim Buckley and Syd Barrett.

St Martin’s crypt is now a café and gift shop. But for me it’s haunted by memories of exam days. The shepherd’s pie looks good though.

Spotify linky:
This Mortal Coil – You And Your Sister

Bonus Spotify linky - the original version:

Chris Bell – You And Your Sister