‘Milk’ – Garbage (1996)

What’s this? A limited edition hologram sleeve (01485, number fans). 

Looks better in real life. Garbage always did wonderful covers in the early days.

"I am lost,

So I am cruel.

But I’d be love and sweetness,

If I had you."

What’s she getting out of that carrier bag? Please don’t let it be food. Please don’t let it be food. It’s food!! Argh. Food at the cinema. Heresy.

But, hang on. That looks like cheese. And more cheese. And, yep, there’s some more cheese. Next thing you know she’ll be pulling out a board to put this all on. And she is! She’s brought a cheese board to the cinema. Who brings a cheese board to the cinema?! Well, this woman, obviously.     

This is going to be distracting. How am I supposed to concentrate on Clooney and Kidman tracking down stolen Russian nukes when I have an elderly lady slicing cheese beside me? This is meant to be a "breathless thriller", not a tasting session at the deli counter.

Now Charlotte’s noticed. Raised eyebrows. Yes, I know. Cheese. Furrowed brow. Exactly. Now we’re both distracted. There’s a car exploding on screen, but all our attention is focused on a lump of Gruyère.

The film’s ruined. Yes, it was hardly a masterpiece anyway, but Cheese Woman hasn’t stopped eating for two hours. I’m bursting to talk about this with Charlotte. But first the credits. Ok, credits over, let’s leave. Out on to Haymarket. Turn around. Cheese Woman is behind us! Charlotte’s noticed too. Ok, best not talk about her cheesy weirdness yet. Hop on to the tube for Hammersmith. Charlotte nods to my right. It’s Cheese Woman again. She’s on our carriage. This is too odd. At least she’s stopped eating.   

Jump off at Barons Court (no apostrophe, grammar fans). She’s still behind us. This is ridiculous. Charlotte and I are now communicating in worried glances and barely audible whispers. The odious swinging cheese bag is making more noise than us as we listen intently to hear if the footsteps behind stop or change path. And finally, after cutting through the cemetery, they do. And we finally risk a glance back. Cheese Woman is gone. Never to be seen again. But visions of Camembert still haunt me whenever I think of George Clooney.

Spotify linkys :

Garbage – Milk - Re-mastered 07

Garbage – Milk - Massive Attack remix

‘Supervixen’– Garbage (1995)

(Ooh … what’s this? It’s the first Garbage album. Pressed as 7-inch singles. In a box. Oh, and Tickle-Me Elmo - it'll all make sense in a minute.)

“Come down to my house,
And stick a stone in your mouth.”

Ever been woken in the night by a giggling Elmo? No? Just me, then. Well, actually not just me, as at the time I was living with someone (yes, I know … me … living with someone … I’m not making this stuff up). We’ll call her Charlotte. Because that was her name. And she woke me one night seriously spooked by one of my toys that had started laughing uncontrollably. (Yes, I collect toys … deal with it.)

The thing with Elmo is that he should only laugh when you squeeze his tummy. Since Charlotte was already convinced that our Hammersmith flat was haunted by an old lady, she was immediately freaked out. I suggested we simply take his batteries out. But then rather unhelpfully pondered how creepy it would be if he continued laughing with no batteries.

Charlotte suddenly had another idea. She raced across the room, grabbed Elmo and headed for the kitchen. When I caught up, I found Elmo stuffed in the oven. Apparently, this way we could gas him or cook him. Poor Elmo. I guess he realised Charlotte meant business, as he certainly behaved himself after that. I still live with the toys. The same isn’t true of Charlotte. Read into that what you will.

Garbage is the pick of the day, for Charlotte, who used to listen to them continuously and styled herself after Shirley Manson in our Hammersmith years. If I was being mean I could have picked ‘Stupid Girl’ (how rude! – and only joking! – and only because she loved that song). But instead I went for my own fave track from their debut.

Spotify linky:
Garbage – Supervixen

‘Christine’ – The House Of Love (1988)

“And the whole world dragged us down,
And the whole world turned aside.”

This song made me want to make friends with a Christine. I still haven’t to this day. It’s one of the great disappointments in my life. I love it when songs do that to me. It always adds that extra poignancy to a great song when it shares a name with one of your friends.

I knew a Charlotte, so The Cure’s ‘Charlotte Sometimes’ was made that bit more special. But I’ve yet to meet a Lola or a Velouria. I need more exotic friends. Especially if I’m ever to meet a Candy. That would surely top trump them all.

So I don’t have a Christine in my life to make me think of this song. Instead, it reminds me of sitting on the pavement outside the old Town and Country Club in Kentish Town (now the HMV Forum *sighs*) with my friend Chris the year this single came out. He’d talked me into coming up to town to see The House Of Love take part in the Creation Records ‘Doing It For The Kids’ gig. It’d been sold out for ages. We didn’t have tickets. And we never got tickets. But we enjoyed ourselves just hanging outside for a few hours with other fans. Those were simpler times.

P.S. If you’re reading this and called Christine, get in touch.

Spotify linky:
The House Of Love – Christine - John Peel 2/4/89

(The full-blown single version has yet to appear on Spotify, so I’ve linked to an acoustic radio session.)